I mentioned this a while back after the Will Smith incident, but I think it would be entertaining to rank the most slap-worthy politicians of the last few years, seed them, and let them battle it out in a March Madness style bracket. I was re-inspired by the dude taking a run at Matt Gaetz on the House floor the other day, so I think it’s time to form a selection committee and set a field.
We’ll need to determine who qualifies, I was initially thinking they should be in their position at some point within the last 12 months, which spans two Congresses. But that eliminates some awesome contenders in the Executive Region from the Trump regime. So maybe we should expand the field to 2016-present? Or perhaps only expand the Executive Region.
That’s the other question, what are our four regions? I’d suggest House, Senate, Executive/Judicial, and Media.
Once we set our field, Slapsgiving Madness can begin, and we’ll vote region by region and round by round.
Gaetz is the obvious favorite to be the 1-seed in the House Region, but the Senate is pretty wide open and there’s tons of potential in the other regions. What do you think?
Also on a less visceral level Rick Scott and Mitch McConnell are high seeds with a chance to make a run. There’s also Susan Collins of “I think he’s learned his lesson,” and “He told me he wouldn’t overturn Roe,” fame. Lest we not forget Josh Hawley!
And perhaps we should expand the field to include major party candidates, to open the door to the likes of Dr Oz and Herschel Walker?
A strong candidate, I think her resume most definitely gets her into the field but the House does have a lot of contenders. Kevin McCarthy has to be in there, MTG is a high seed, Jim Jordan, and Andy “My whole family hates me” Biggs.
The media bracket has to have Tucker Carlson, of course. Alex Jones is in there. Maybe if we don’t expand the Executive to go back to 2016 we can get some of the Trump administration in there that way. Kellyanne Conway gets into the field that way for sure. Rick Santorum?
I’m just going to update the list of contenders as the selection committee continues to name names. We’ll need 16 in each category, and some may be contenders in more than one category. So we’ve got options. We can also argue over criteria and whether election losers can get in, and whether there should be a time period to qualify. It’s fine if we go over 16, the selection committee can then argue about who gets in or do play-in games.
Here’s where we stand.
HOUSE (6 of 16)
Matt Gaetz
Lauren Boebert
Jim “Gym” Jordan
Kevin McCarthy
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Andy Biggs
SENATE (8 of 16)
Kyrsten Sinema
Ted Cruz
Rick Scott
Mitch McConnell
Susan Collins
Dr. Oz Mehmet
Herschel Walker
Rand Paul
EXECUTIVE/JUDICIAL (3 of 16)
Brett Kavanaugh
Clarence Thomas
Stephen Bryer
MEDIA (6 of 16)
Tucker Carlson
Alex Jones
Kellyanne Conway
Rick Santorum
Scott Baio
Clay Travis
That’s a lot of assholes who are well-deserving of a good old fashioned…
Not a huge deal, but I would like to suggest that as a forum full of mostly men, we choose to exclude women from this competition. A group of mostly men talking about which women they’d like to slap is probably in poor taste. And let’s be honest, there’s enough males with extremely slappable faces to fill this thing anyway.
Or we can change it to some other sort of contest and include them all, I don’t know. If we don’t have an opportunity for the Gaetz vs. MTG showdown that any tournament of hateable representatives deserves, did we even really have a tournament? It’d be like blocking a UNC vs Duke showdown in March Madness.
Most lawnmower launching politicians? Most hateable?
I’m pretty much open to whatever the women of Slow Pony think is best on this one in terms of framing the competition. It’s all just a parody to vote on the most hate-inducing cringeworthy assholish political figures of current times, anyway. It’s not like we’re actually fans of violence or going to have Will Smith go slap the shit out of Matt Gaetz when it’s over.
