I smell a Play-In Game!
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Kennedy of Louisiana is a good Senate pick.
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Newt Gingrich somewhere?
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I guess Media at this point?
Alright, our field is taking shape. Now it’s time to seed these assholes. The Selection Committee has decided that due to an overcrowded Media region and Kyle Rittenhouse declaring intent to run for the House in the future, he goes in the House region. Plus he’s gotta love the new lack of metal detectors in the House.
There will be four play-in games, which coincidentally is exactly how March Madness does it. I propose that the two former senators meet in a play-in game, just because that seems fitting. So should the two losers. So we’ll have Oz against Walker in a high powered play-in game, and McCaskill against Inhofe. Now that doesn’t mean they have to be 15/16 seeds. Oz and Walker have some firepower here in the opinion of the committee. They’ll battle for a reasonable seed. Cal Cunningham should have to have a play-in game, but he’s a cheater, so he skips right to the dance.
Executive and Media I’m thinking we just do a 16v16 play-in.
I took a crack at the seedings, let me know if you think anyone is way off. I tried to factor in assholishness, timeliness of said assholishness, amount of power behind said assholishness, and whatever the slappable version of je ne sais quoi is. Also let me know if you think there’s a more plucky name to be the 12 seeds, we could move someone up or down a line or two in the interest of trying to give our tournament a chance at those classic 12/5 upsets.
HOUSE (16 of 16)
1 - Matt Gaetz
2 - Jim “Gym” Jordan
3 - Marjorie Taylor Greene
4 - Lauren Boebert
5 - Kyle Rittenhouse
6 - George Santos
7 - Paul Gosar
8 - Nancy Mace
9 - Kevin McCarthy
10 - Louie Gohmert
11 - Elise Stefanik
12 - Andy Biggs
13 - Ryan Zinke
14 - Henry Cuellar
15 - Dan Crenshaw
16 - Jeff Van Drew
SENATE (18 of 16)
1 - Ted Cruz
2 - Kyrsten Sinema
3 - Mitch McConnell
4 - Joe Manchin
5 - Rick Scott
6 - Susan Collins
7 - Josh Hawley
8 - Rand Paul
9 - JD Vance
10 - PLAY-IN: Dr. Mehmet Oz vs. “Sherriff” Herschel Walker
11 - Ron Johnson
12 - Lindsey Graham
13 - Blake Masters
14 - John Kennedy
15 - Cal Cunningham
16 - PLAY-IN: Claire McCaskill vs. Jim Inhofe
EXECUTIVE/JUDICIAL (17 of 16)
1 - Brett Kavanaugh
2 - Ron DeSantis
3 - Rudy Giuliani
4 - Steven Mnuchin
5 - Merrick Garland
6 - Samuel Alito
7 - Stephen Miller
8 - John Roberts
9 - Stephen Breyer
10 - Bill Barr
11 - Clarence Thomas
12 - Steve Bannon
13 - Jared Kushner
14 - Noel Francisco
15 - Ken Paxton
16 - PLAY-IN GAME: Preet Bharara vs. Brian Kemp
MEDIA (17 of 16)
1 - Tucker Carlson
2 - Alex Jones
3 - Ben Shapiro
4 - Elon Musk
5 - Glenn Greenwald
6 - Clay Travis
7 - Nick Fuentes
8 - Charlie Kirk
9 - Newt Gingrich
10 - Mike Lindell
11 - Chuck Todd
12 - Mark Zuckerberg
13 - Kellyanne Conway
14 - Rick Santorum
15 - Scott Baio
16 - PLAY-IN GAME: Rush Limbaugh vs. Chris Christie
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George Santos doesn’t necessarily have the political body of work of some of these others, but man he’s coming into this tournament on a HOT STREAK of assholishness. If we keep him on the 6-line, Marj might have her hands full in the second round.
We could put him into the Media field, who do we take out? I mean we could take Limbaugh out for still being dead.
Hard to slap a corpse. Would require graverobbing.
I dunno, there’s so much hot air in that motherfucker he might be bubbling up at the surface. But yeah, I think we can rule Rush out in favor of the living.
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Gotta play for GenZ eyeballs!
Excuse me sir I believe that it is exceptionally easy to slap a corpse. In fact, given a corpse cannot move I would say it’s the easiest target in the field.
#lawyered
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I dunno, is digging a corpse up really easier than chasing down a speedster like… oh, I dunno, Chris Christie?
Damn shame there was no place for Jerry Jones in the field. Maybe he can make an appearance in a Chris Christie photo watching Dak donk away a game.
And shouldn’t we be digging up Rush annually just to be sure?
kyle rittenhouse
eta: my pony is slow. however, he’s my dark horse. read his twitter if you want to get enraged.
Huckabees! Fake Christian White Fascists. Too many choices. Reality shattering. What if, now stay with me, America is NOT the Shining City on a Hill? What if America sucks? For every AOC there are 7 Kayleigh McEnanys. I’m off to the liquor store.
How the hell did we miss both Dinesh da dickbag and Sebastien Gorgatuan head?
Granted, you probably break a hand slapping either of those blockheads.
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Shit, we might need an NIT field!
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I think Sorbo beats him, and probably the two-headed monster that is Kirk and Candace Cameron
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