In california at least your nursing license can be revoked or you can be barred from holding one for DUI.
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Your stories sound like the first act of a great movie.
Iām not sure if itās a crime thriller where you and your husband plan the perfect murder (j/k, do not go this route!), or even better an Oscar-winning drama about one womanās journey of self-discovery, resilience, and empowerment.
But seriously this sounds like a tough situation that has been allowed to escalate beyond all reason. I hope your husband is aware of ALL your feelings on these issues and all of your grievances. Your anger is extremely justified and righteous imo.
A married couple living with a third person, even a friend, is just a weird dynamic. Maybe some people can make it work with no impact to the relationships and no friction, but I wouldnāt want to try it.
A long time ago, a woman I knew was living with several college friends in the years after they all graduated. Eventually two of them got married, and she went to live with them in a new house they bought. They were all good friends and all of them expected everything would be fine. After about a year, they asked her to find another place and move out. They just wanted/needed their own space. Which seemed perfectly natural to me.
Hasnāt your husband caught that Hawaii disease over this?
Lackanookie
I hate to tell you this, but your marriage is already in serious trouble. You have a spouse who is unwilling to see or even acknowledge your unhappiness over his own actions, and who then apparently pouts or just ignores you while he continues to be at his friendās service.
Itās also curious that youāve described your husband as if he has no agency in any of this, rather than being a grown man who continues at nearly every turn to pick his BFF over his wife.
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TWO YEARS ago? Fuuuuuuuck so much of that unless the rent he pays is significant/meaningful/necessary. Thatās a legit reason. Beyond that, itās time to go.
FWIW people-pleasing is one of my biggest character defects. It took me forever to understand and accept that often when I think Iām taking care of other people, in reality Iām doing them harm. Thatās something to chew on.
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Just got caught up on the roommate being the male version of crazy cat lady.
What the actual fuck
I donāt know how burdensome Cali eviction process is but at this point I would literally sell my house and move if that was a more efficient way of booting this guy.
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I think for this particular part the play is to do it and then when he gets pissed about it, do this:
This situation seems awful. Donāt have great advice to give here, because I canāt comprehend the mentality behind some of the things that have already happened to get to the current situation.
The best thing is probably for you and your husband to speak with each other privately and openly about the situation. If you can be together on the same page, I think the two of you can hopefully find a solution from there.
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Iām pretty cynical about other humans at this point, but this reads to me an awful lot like his plan all along might have been to ārescueā a dog so he could sell it back into the same fate.
Yeah this guy is running dog breeding, avocado tree growing, bird breeding businesses in your house.
Let me save you a trip to AITA Reddit. No, you would not be the asshole. Heās the asshole.
Yeah, now Iāve arrived at this part. Itās time for this guy to, at a minimum, pay more rent. But really, you and your husband need to come to an agreement that he needs to move out, give him a deadline, and then hold him to it.
Yup, huge nursing shortage nationwide. He may not be able to get hired in CA, but he could for sure get hired as a nurse somewhere.
This is your best off ramp, I think. Convince your husband to agree (we men can be dense, but he canāt be so dense he doesnāt realize this isnāt going perfectly), and then jointly tell the friend, āWe love you and we were happy to help you get on your feet out here, and we enjoy spending time with you and hope to continue to do so - but as a married couple we just really need our own home together, so this canāt be a permanent thing.ā
Could also come up with some creative lies, if you needed to.
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Itās all that and a comedy. Itās a dramedy that has a crime thriller element in it when the wife, who in the movie version is going to happen to be a detective, is working a big case chasing down a drug dealer while continually getting tangled up in ridiculous comedic situations with the bad roommateā¦ only to eventually discover that not only is the bad housemate friend running dog breeding, bird breeding, and avocado tree businesses out of their home, heās growing hydroponic coca in the basement (truly innovative!) and thatās who sheās been chasing all along.
Sheās going to find out by him doing something monumentally stupid that results in her ending up covered in cocaine powder, like the human version of:
ā¦while dogs and birds are humping in the background and an avocado tree finally sprouts. Roll credits, with funny consequences for all the main characters sprinkled in.
Had a friend that allowed a buddy to coach surf/guest room for a few months to a year before the wife put her foot down.
Two years later he started getting police calls and lawsuit papers based on an apartment rental and other transactions in Vegas (we lived in MN).
Deadbeat āfriendā did identity theft.
Took over a year to get it to stop.
see, this is why I posted this. I needed a different perspective, because half the time I feel like the asshole for thinking these things.
I literally never looked at it as āheās running a breeding business out of our homeā but now I do see it, and I will definitely present this perspective to my husband, who at times I can see is starting to get a little annoyed with him, too.
The thing about it is, heās manipulating us, I get that, but Iām pretty sure he doesnāt think heās being manipulative. This is tough to explain, but when I say he has a personality like a freight train, what I mean is, he has a certain way of thinking and doing things, and just doesnāt comprehend that others might do things of think about things differently.
For example, he refuses to eat anything I cook because I donāt do things the way he does. I am a decent cook, but because I donāt make things the way his grandmother taught him (I mean methods, not actual recipes), itās not even worth trying. (In my husbandās favor, heās actually confronted the roomie about this. Didnāt get anywhere, but he tried to stand up for me)
So when it comes to breeding the birds/dogs, heās genuinely surprised when I say we will NOT be having litters in our home. Apparently, heās always had dogs and bred them, and itās just The Way Things Areā¢.
If he changes his mind, it has to be him finding it on his ownā¦it cannot be forced. It is possible. We had a fight shortly after he moved in because he said some anti-trans things (he is gay, and refused to use a trans manās pronouns after matching with him on Grindr). He basically refused to acknowledge the existence of trans people or respect the use of proper pronouns. Over the course of the past couple years, having been exposed to more open LGBTQ spaces (heās from rural CA, now he has Hillcrest), he has become much less bullheaded about this. The other day, I saw him watching reels of a Trans influencer and he said she was one of his favorites and so funny, etc, Used the proper pronouns and everything.
Also, he has a job interview tomorrow so maybe that will pan out and it can be an opening to getting him outā¦
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He either has some form of mental illness and/or heās a complete narcissist exceptionally skilled at gaslighting.
He certainly lacks empathy. No ability to see things from any perspective but his own.
Ehhh, I can be that way sometimes where I have a certain way of thinking about things and doing them and sometimes I totally miss when others donāt see it that way and Iām being too pushy. That said, what heās doing seems like 1,000% worse than anything I could imagine myself doing by accident.
Like, I could totally see some old single version of myself renting a room in some friendās house and trying to like start a business there, or being a little pushy about my morning routine or something that Iām really particular about (neurodivergence is what it is, now I understand myself enough to apologize and explain it)ā¦ But the business would be an ONLINE business or contained to my room.
Like, the shared spaces arenāt there to be commandeered into bird orgy rooms for breeding and avocado farms. Any functional adult has to understand that.
Nice phrasing
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Never allow anyone into your home without a written agreement
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I showed this post to my wife and Iām pretty sure by the end she was ready to commit murder on your behalf.
(She was most infuriated by the non-stick pans in the dishwasher LOL)
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How long is it in most states before people start getting tenant related rights for crashing at your place?
I donāt know how the laws work, but if you introduce a lease then the tenant gets all sorts of rights. Whereas if theyāre just a guest, then I donāt think they have as many (?any).
So, if the major concern is ability to get them out, then written agreement could be counterproductive.
However, if you have made the decision to take them as a tenant, then I agree a written agreement is best for everyone.